Recently I had my first experience with benzos. I believe it was wonderful, based on what I heard in retrospect of the two days that I used 5mg of lorazepam. I’m not sure what my dosing scheme was. Pretty frankly, I blacked out on my first dose of my first two-day binge.
From bits that I can vaguely remember and what I’ve been able to milk out of those around me at the time without telling them I couldn’t remember anything and needed them to fill me in on what happened, this is how it went.
SKIP TO >>> for Tl;dr
I woke up one day and had a pretty damn shitty day at school. Like, really shitty. I’m a type A personality and even average just kills me, nothing but exceptional will suit my fancy. I forgot my coffee, phenylpiracetam, Alpha-GPC, Noopept, and nicotine gum this day. I was slow, stupid, and downright miserable. Gladly, though, I had Ibuprofen so there was no caffeine headache. In first period, A.P. Physics, I got a 72% on a test that I needed a good grade on to make sure I got an A, and the terrible grade (In my opinion) made me literally want to break down and sit in the bathroom and just think about life. It just set my day up for failure and that was just the start. I had a tough day in health, and just struggling makes me furious and sad and it wasn’t helped by the fact that I didn’t have any mood-boosting substances in me. A.P. Comp. Sci. was just as bad as health, it was the first day that I had trouble programming and it just, like both other situations, was made much worse by not having my normal help. The last class of the day was history, and at this point just any word spoken to me made me irritable and there was just too much work for me to handle that I just put my head down and declared to the teacher that I’d rather go down to the house principal and have him yell at me than do any work, and since I was usually the only one talking in class, she knew something was up and let it slide thankfully.
This is where it all begins. I go home, and the bus ride is the last clear, linear memory in my head of the next two days. [From now on, [T] means the FOLLOWING SENTENCE was told to me, [V] means the FOLLOWING SENTENCE is vague in my memory or was made by putting bits of memory together with what I was told.]
[T] So I get home, grab a water bottle, and run up to my room and then come right back down to get something to eat. This is when I believe I took my first dose. I apparently made a cup of coffee (while my mother probably screamed at me and told me that 3:30 was too late to have coffee) and downright refused to eat, probably because I was so stressed. [V] That night, I went a really nice American-fare restaurant in my area. I remember taking my disposable vape pen (I’m not a “VAYPE NATION” kind of person, it’s just a discrete nicotine delivery system. That’s all.) and getting lots of nicotine into my system beforehand. [T] I was very, very happy and outgoing at dinner. So much so, that my mother, three days later, still questioned me on if I was high that day. [V] I remember that everyone seemed so nice, so friendly, so happy to be with me. That’s all that I can remember from the first day. The second day I woke up so late that my father (who wakes up at the same time I do) had to get me out of bed and out the door, at which point I believe I redosed, because if It wasn’t then, I would have “Woken up” during the day, but I didn’t. [T] I was extremely slow-minded in physics according to my group-mates and had trouble doing the simplest of math for the questions given. [T] In health, I apparently made a fantastic project on health and body-typing, and had enough time to spare that I was able to tell my teacher about every fucking ailment that I had. I apparently explained to him my asthma and how I wished I didn’t have it so if I wished to I could join the military, how I have a peanut allergy so I can’t eat apples and peanut butter, how I have a heart condition, so I’m not supposed to exert myself too far, and how I believed that I had some form of minor autism because of my affinity towards a weird type of organization and numbers. [V] I remember refusing to buy my regular lunch and opting to buy a tub of cereal and water instead. [T] In comp. sci. class, I was very very sporadic and all of a sudden, about halfway through class, I rushed out the door to go to the bathroom. I didn’t return for 20 minutes. From what I milked from the nurses and friends, I walked into the bathroom, made a grunt, and made one huge-ass hurl onto the floor of a bathroom stall. Gross. I went to the nurse and said something about throwing up in the bathroom and how it needed to be cleaned up, and how I needed nothing else.[T] That night, I went home and hell broke loose with my emotions. My texts to friends and my girlfriend show that I was extremely distraught and was heavily contemplating killing myself. I felt bad about my situation as a person and how I hated myself for being an idiot, how I hated my body, how I just couldn’t see any point in doing anything. [V] From looking at my thighs the next day, I can tell that I cut myself with probably one of my knives 12 times. This is VERY weird for me. For a normal person, I get how it would be weird, but for me, even holding a knife is a nerve-wracking event. I have a bad history in the way of accidentally stabbing myself a little, so the prospect of me being able to cut myself is insane to me. [V] I remember that I completely disregarded my homework in favor of blasting music.
>>> Tl;dr – Had a bad day, took benzos, blacked out, redosed the rest, vomited at school for no reason, and went home and cut myself. That was the end of my first benzo binge. Other than that, it was a really great two days.
So my question is, is there a reason for the side-effect of vomiting on benzos, and is there any way to prevent it?
As well as that, I thought that blackouts would occur like, 4mg+, of lorazepam. My first dose was definitely not above 4mg, and I’ve even heard of people saying that 5mg gives them relaxation and nothing else. So is there some sort of gene mutation that I might have that makes some benzos way more powerful than they usually are, or is it just because I have no tolerance? Thanks-